Ugh, just ugh. Lately everything just feels yucky. No I’m not sick, but I feel emotionally yucky, which has been making me exhausted all the time.
Warning, this is a rant about how frustrated and tired I am right now about stuff in my life.
For the first few months of working I was so focused on not messing up, (which I still did), at work that I was able to block out the noise. Now that I don’t feel like I have to focus so hard I can hear most everything around me all at once. It was as if one day I started to hear everything all at once. Not just at work, but everywhere around me. It was as if someone pushed a button and all the noise came all at once.
I mentioned in a previous blog post, (that I deleted), that I’m on the Autism Spectrum. My learning disability, PDD, was put onto the spectrum a few years ago. Here is a link that I found that describes PDD a little more, and the part of being on the Autism Spectrum. https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/pdd-nos
I am working because Social Security has decided that I am no longer considered disabled enough to stay on Social Security. Unfortunately, when going through the process of being re-evaluated last year I only really knew about having a learning disability and that it has a name. On the paperwork I only put that I have a learning disability, I never put that it’s PDD. I didn’t find out about the Autism Spectrum until after I had the evaluations done to see if I’m still disabled. I would think that they would go through ALL of the paperwork since childhood and see what my learning disability is. I figured they would go through the file of the psychologist that I saw in 2012 or 2013 who said my condition will not improve. Apparently not.
It’s frustrating because I have a hard time talking about my needs, talking about my disability, talking about what I can or can’t do. When I start to think about such things I get overwhelmed and I start to shut down.
Now, it’s become more difficult for me to work because it’s usually loud. Not usually a constant loud, but loud most of the time. I also don’t like how there are a lot of people everywhere all at once mixed with the noise. It’s so overwhelming that all I want to do is shit down and cry.
Why am I working retail if it’s too noisy? Or too much to handle? Why not get a different job? Well, for one I don’t have a degree to get a better job. Another reason is not very many places don’t require multitasking or having to interact with people. Lastly, I don’t have any other job skills or experience for most other jobs. I’m bad at cleaning, pushing carts, washing dishes, and I cook ALL my meals in the microwave because cooking gives me anxiety.
I am also not wanting to look for online work because most everything online that I’ve come across is a scam. I can’t run an Etsy shop fully for an income. My Squishbelly Etsy shop failed. I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to do taxes for a business.
I found a pretty good video on YouTube that shows what it’s like for me when I hear the world on a daily basis. It says children with Autism, but it also goes for adults. https://youtu.be/M20DIK1Yt3A
I would like for you to watch that video, then come back and finish reading this. This is why when I’m working and there is a lot going on and someone tries to talk to me I stare at them. I can’t hear their words. The words get muffled and come in and out. It makes me want to cry. It is the reason why I HAVE to wear headphones and listen to music on the bus to cope. This is why I don’t like going to parties, I prefer to stay at home, or a friend’s home, and not go out into public often. It sucks.
Keep in mind though, this is my experience with my Autism. It will be different for other people with Autism.
Thank you for reading my long rant. Have a good day!